It's time to wake up and live!

For months I have been up all night with my babies who are having their own very different issues at night. Dan looked at me and said Kelly I will take the first shift please go get some sleep.  I just love how he knew exactly what I needed at that particular moment.  I fell more in love with him and our life in that moment. I got some great sleep...only being about three hours but a block of sleep none the less was great for me and my soul.  1:30 found us camped out in the living room with our 7 month old while we finished watching a show. I looked at Dan watching TV  and I thought to myself  “Is this really our life? Are we really this lucky?”  2am found us all in our beds..I use that term lightly since my bed seems to be wherever I can grab a few minutes sleep.  Before I knew it, it was 7am and the entire house was up for the day. 3 hours, by the way, is a nap…. not a night’s sleep.

Dan left for work and I settled in for what I was sure would be a long day. An hour into the day I paused to take note of my life. I was sitting on the couch with a crying toddler in my left arm, and my little baby on the other arm just wanting the couch to swallow me or praying they would just be as tired as me and go back to sleep.  We watched Sesame Street continuously, still in our pajamas and I’d yet to brush my teeth. I hadn’t experienced a single 10 minute block of time that didn’t contain crying or whining and for once I was completely calm. More than being calm, I was at peace.  And then it all came to me this is how I am serving God.  I’m not entirely sure why I had that clarity, because God knows I don’t live my days with it. But, then, for that moment, I had it.  This was his intention for me.  I am not supposed to be a doctor or lawyer or leader of the free world.  I am supposed to be the mom of Hunter and Ryder.

This is my life.

This ....uncertainty of a night’s sleep. The juggle of two kids.  The way my heart melts with love for my babies. The way my heart expands to depths previously unimagined cuddling with my children. The days spent at home with the babies while Dan earns a living for our family. The late night feedings. All of it. Two children crying at the same time. Adapting a “divide and conquer” mentality with Dan.  Looking at Dan sometimes and smiling in the middle of a toddler "crisis" almost wanting to giggle because i can remember the days I never thought I would get to experience such a thing. It’s spontaneous trips because we love to get away!  It’s patience when I’d rather yell at a toddler who has been whining for the past hour. It’s yelling when I wish I had patience for my toddler who has been whining for the past hour. It’s success and it’s failure and every conceivable point in between. It’s stealing kisses from my baby who has the prettiest baby grin in the world.   It’s ear infections, fevers, snotty noses.  It’s hearing mama 5,000 times before 8 am.

This is where i am supposed to be right now, and I think I’m finally beginning to really accept it.

It was the peace that took me by surprise sitting there on the couch.  A few months ago, peace wouldn’t be anywhere close to how I would describe motherhood. Days like yesterday would reduce me to tears in a second. And, while I’m not saying that I’ll never be reduced to tears again {hello, reality} it does feel nice to be at peace in the middle of chaos. I think I struggled consciously and subconsciously for a while with the difference between where I was and where I used to be. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I found my rhythm as a mom and as a stay-at-home mom but there was always just something that seemed to still be “off”. I know why, I did a ton of massive life changes in the last 6 years and it just took some time for my identity to catch up to my reality.

I really love my life right now....I mean today...lol you know as a mom sometimes things change!

Oh and I leave for the beach in 4 days...that helps!!!